Descent!

Characters and events below are all fictional and none is based on any true story whatsoever. These are author's plucked pieces of imagination. Anxiousness of London I was sitting in one of those benches in central London the other day. You know one of those places where at most times you see pigeons wandering around sniffing for food, or when they want to be really annoying they're just all over the place nearing to your feet and you feel almost like a stinging tiny tongue pinching your thick skin and it turns out that it’s just itchiness due to a summer sweat or else and not a pigeon bite.Anyhow, you get the picture!I was having my sandwich and enjoying my pressed apple, spinach, celery and a bit of courgette juice with me. There comes along a young chap. Not sure how young but youngish and it seemed to me not as blooming a person as one can be, scruffy to a point where trousers have fallen well below his bottoms creating a baggy underload that looks really disgusting, a grey hoodie and tattoos around his neck, everywhere. "Do you have a fag mate?" He asks me.I nearly choked. Not that the surprise would be at least the moments explanation but I was choking because this chap was only a youngster, probably I'd say in his early teens! You can tell he has grown older than his deceiving age, but I couldn't understand why would someone of his age ask people for a fag.For a moment, I'm still chewing my food and without much hesitation responded to him."Am sorry mate, I don't smoke".Like a reverberating tectonic plate in a hot lava, his response together with his friend was somewhat unappealing to a thirty-something old timer.'You don't smoke ???" he asked. By this time, I decided that I should pay a bit more attention to this youngster. You know when you get that feeling of empowered patronising, that stinging itchiness to behold and awash somebody with the most explicit outrage of vanquished anger that there is. At this stage I wasn't having a go at him."No I don't smoke ..." I responded to him. Followed by another whiff of temper."Why? do you think I will be getting any uglier than you If Iwe’re not to smoke?"I think for the second, young chap didn't know how to take me.He stood there defiant and staring at his mate who's sitting in the neighbouring bench."Ugly...?" He reacts resigning from the idea of asking further questions as he deems it pointless.I am beginning to think that this little prick hasn't the faintest idea that I'm stressed out, losing self-confidence gradually and feeling insecure max.I think he must've realised that I was in a hurry and old age bet-trodden, he felt obliged shaking his head and together with his rocker look-alike mate, shot off.I really was going to have a go a bit more only if he wasn't fortunate enough to escape away. Thinking to myself, I might well be over forty but do not underestimate the experience of an old lion and the anger of a man, in mid-life crises ...hey! Anyhow, all gone super shaped, I make my way towards the park.Can't help myself being nostalgic about the days when I was fit enough running the pathways of this glorious and beautiful park. Do you know that in certain congested pedestrian lanes in Hyde Park, cyclists are prohibited from going through!? I think its a brilliant idea as I do tend to be too cautious when it comes to crossing these pathways as I always envisage doing the same in central London and not get hit by a super fast cyclist whois running late for his 10 o'clock job interview.Speaking of which, this is my day and my job interview its about to commence in about fifteen minutes, and that's where I was heading.I managed to get there early. Tried to impress the host.This is a family run business. Established more than eighty years ago, Dealing with precious diamonds and other gems.They're seeking a skilled individual who will look after their customer portfolio.When I applied for the role I was fully aware that my skills set and abilities stretch a lot further than what they were offering. My crisis management and conflict management skills are impeccable. I have always managed to impress people with my approach towards issues related to all things people management.Anyhow, this is my day and I am confident that this job is in my pocket, really! My name is called by the host's receptionist and I am asked to grab a lift to the 26th floor. I do so with a little bit of nervousness as the interview it really is happening and am getting closer to my reckoning moment. There I meet these two-fine gentlemen and a young lady. The three of them are business partners who oversee hiring and firing people with full discretion of the founder- the boss of the firm.After a few formalities, the interview begins well and I was happy in the end to receive the bonus of having a tour of the HR division to see how everything is made and shaped.From the point of view of a visitor everything in the floor looks fantastic. We go past desks weaving through a number of people, some standing with their IPad in their arms and some others just feeling the heat sitting down in front of computer screens.We approach a glass office surrounded by a lot of youngsters.Probably a group of millennial techy geeks who must be doing something important for the company.As we enter the room, all I can hear is the words "...we want to employ people who are not prejudiced, whose values based system is totally intact..." and then he stops. We move in forking out the crowd to make room for our introduction.There he is, the hoodie man, sitting behind desk making decisions on employment and future employment strategies. There I am the short tempered git trying to impress and begging for a job, right in front of him like a fried fish in a plate."Hello" he says. "I think I know you from somewhere”, stretching a smile in his face conducted with an enormous grin. What do I say !? what do I do! I only wondered. *** Descent! Since I reached the age of 45, I solemnly can declare that I am desperately in a state of turmoil. Nothing is working but interestingly enough everything else is working against me. Ironic isn't it!? you spend a whole life immersed in what is known as 'building one's character' and in the end everything else falls apart along the way, you don't pay a lot of attention to the small things and then one day - bang - the tremor, the unexplained, the wretched feeling of dejection ensues. Hm, don't ask me how is that possible! I mean I might be able to explain that, only if somewhat I converge in a permanent state of denial, turn my own self-critical stance onto a more successfully, humiliating optimism. I don't actually do things like that. You see, as a person, I find it very hard to relate to things. What do I mean by things!? I can recite you the latest from Heaney's poems or an entirety from Shakespeare , but am totally incapable, unbelievably useless in making good gestures to others. I find it obliging and at times irritating when asked to perform a social function, stuff like attending a friend's party, church - church? I don't know where that came from! it's doing the hard stuff you know. Even harder when you have to answer a phone or go online and interact on social media. It really is hard stuff, extremely hard stuff, unapologetically I might add that actually there exist this inner me, deep down somewhere some other driving force which shifts me around, perplexingly shuts me up, tells my brain that you have no power of this complex creature- I am convinced of that, it's only a matter of time before I, or that inner force comes onto the surface and declares myself/itself free. In all honesty, I don't want to bother you with all of the regalia of my daily downturns, they can take their toll and collapse, unless you really want me to. I mean if you don't mind I can just continue to throw, the last dice until the right time comes and I quit telling, explaining, articulating, making you aware of stuff. I am an engineer by training. A lot has gone past me in these past few years for me to be able to recall what my last act of courage in terms of my 'modern slaving' has been or whatever they call it these days a 'career'.To be honest I couldn't care less, I mean if men or women out there appreciate one or the other based on what kind of career they are shaped by, then I must be the loneliest men on earth thinking within the confines of a decrepit narrow-mindedness. I am not sure what would actually drives me as a person in life or no life. I still would like to think of myself as somebody who conjures up a flaky sort of life . I don't actually mind it at all. It's so much to calculate in life when you are softer in tone, or even softer in you, in others, in life. You have to constantly define yourself as pure of the crystal kind. I mean you probably have noticed or observed that men or women with the precondition to 'take it easy' in life do tend to live much longer and are thoughtless when it comes to self-judgement whereas tend to be very thoughtful or mindful about what the others feel or think or feel about them. To the shit with all of this anyway. Why should I care really!? I mean I am asking you as if to judge the situation is within your control or knowing the facts proper. But you are nothing, you are just somebody who fulfilled "god's" mission on earth to walk straight with head held high and pretend to behave in a civilised manner. That's what's called human. Sod it. *** Downstairs, just right opposite my apartment across the road, I attend this cafe, whatever you call them these days. there's this barista who by the manner and politeness but brutal up to your face and honestly might well be, sometimes a bit too much for me, depending on the moods I am in. I call these people free-spirited londoners. I don't know, there is something about London that has a very special touch to all things, individual to individual interaction. Anyhow this barista is an interesting character. She tend to do something with her ears. Every time she speaks she touches her right earlobes, without any reason at all. She just goes red when spoken to. I like her very much. It makes a huge difference to my day when I get served by her, somehow my coffee tastes different, it has more meaning to it, I feel like i have a purpose to go and have a drink there. I know this might well be a bit off and cheesy, but it is important to emphasise here that every time I see her, impulses of all sorts of variety increase max. However, every time I order my drink, I hardly have the bravery to think about talking to her in a more friendly terms. Early today for instance I blew it. Had the perfect chance to talk to her, her manager wasn't there and there was no other customers behind or in front of me. I blew it and didn't have the guts to say something to her. To make matters worse from the moment she took my order and I was fiddling with the idea of asking her how her day has been and what plans does she have for this afternoon and god knows probably end up finishing my coffee while browsing on her insta page and writing her a nice complimentary message. But no - it didn't happen and I think the way is going it isn't going to happen for a while now. It got worse because the guy after me just happen to be this most annoying chatterbox who with his extroverted behaviour almost stuck his tongue down her throat. I felt like saying come on mate, easy, don't just do that in the most brutal way, have a bit of respect mate, have a bit more stamina to slow down and be respectable and to be honest you must feel ashamed of yourself. So brutal. I pick my coffee and drown away in full frustration, you know when you get that feeling of complete shatter and you lose the will to do anything for the remainder of the day. I pulled myself off and relied a lot on her resilience to succumb to his flirtation. She was very good, I managed to switch my focus and prescribe to the idea that you need to look onto yourself first before you rely in others for mercy and she was very merciful. She served the fellow his caramel latte and let him go whilst maintaining eye contact with me in the corner of the shop where i strategically choose to stay. I maintain focus. I want to conquer. Let the quorum commence. She looks over. Ignoring the guy in front of her and throwing me pinching smiles. I look, she looks and we continue in the same manner for a while now. I Choose to be myself and huh, yes self-encouragingly blander the moment seeking refuge within inner me. 'Stop doing the unthinkable and just ignore her' that's one part of me dragging me in the dilapidated obscurity. Freaking hate it when it happens. I continue to trick my mind in a self-imposed dilemma. She continues to look, she continues to lose focus on her work. I feel bad now, I want to bite my own bloody hand. She looks again and I just need to stop now and put both of us out of misery. 'freak and a cannibal' I hear the jaundiced person muttering as she goes past me. I look at her and point the finger on myself to gesture her whether the old lady going past me meant to say that to me by any chance. She is lost now. She goes to me with the 'what?' and I respond did you hear what she just called me and then she answers with a huge 'No' and I laugh and she laughs and then this is my chance my opportunity to get closer to her. She hands me a white paper folded to tiny parts and tells me that she has thought about it very hard 'without any reason at all' and she laughs. She gestures to me that I need to go now because the queue behind me is growing now and that she needs to do her job. I go, I leave. Happier than before, more fulfilled due to the half of a mission accomplished. I don't open the letter until I have ascended upstairs to my flat. Whilst in the lift. My thinking goes uncontrollably astute to the idea of me losing the piece of paper I got given and what would happen if I lose it and having to go back to her to ask for her number again. Huh, not to me. I am confident of that. I will delay my lunch and dinner for days if it takes that much sacrifice and effort not to sacrifice this moment and feel empowered, as empowered as one can be. I leave the paper on the coffee table. Fingers shaking, the yellowness of days of fag-eating has deteriorated the looks on my fingers. They are as yellow as they can be and they smell but only if it wasn't for the whiteness of the paper that she gave me would I concede going down a rabbit whole. I sit back in my sofa. Feel drained and muscles giving away the strength and the power they once had. I choose to meditate. That is the necessity of the moment. Overtakes all of life's overtures. I stood up and headed for the meditation room. I choose to fucking meditate. Let the quorum commence. *** Meditation brings a lot of unsavoury moments when one has access on the darkest corners of one's life. they ask you to make peace with yourself transcendentally this means that the sacrifice is on you as the barometer of good and bad but in reality all you are asked to do is just step away from all the huddle and the noise of daily grind. I just did that and do that every day for the past few years. I must admit I have noticed and do notice a big difference in the inner me. Although the fact that many of us don't want to admit it, the fact that finding the real peace is only done by stopping for a moment or so and blah blah blah all that jibberish that normal people do but don't understand why they do it. I understand it, I really do if there happens to be some sceptic person out there, let me make it absolute clear that I do get it as I have lived it. I did tranquil and married peace for my own good sake and it did work. However the problem here is that it doesn't serve any good purpose really. We don't want to be purported to attach ourselves with a particular stigma. I don't happen to believe in that 'good to be happy' sacred cow of life which is there to be used when needed, at times when the opioid doesn't serve the right purpose. Anyhow, I managed to open the letter that the barista gave it to me and just for the sake of the argument I didn't actually expect any retribution or high levels of excitement. Actually, I am probably lying here. I think my expectations where high but stable. What I didn't want to be expected to express was a complete elation, absolutely not. I need to impose some sort of self-discipline because the good intentions on these situations can be interpreted as a weakness, a detriment to one's real intentions. I, in the other hand don't want to completely hide the fact and tell you that I wasn't an excited little rabbit. Little rabbit of some sort definitely but contained within the realms of normality. I defy the gravity of purpose here without digressing a lot. Oh yes, sorry, I forgot the real purpose of this instance was that I tell you what happened with the letter! I opened it and amidst the lines, I read that she very much is interested to know me more but I need to shave my beard because she doesn't date men with beards. I took offence and to be honest I have overcome the overwhelm from her overthink. I have come out of it. I can always go to the cafe next door. Let the quorum commence! Shaving my beard, my arse. *** It comes through the post, all the unnecessary stuff you receive, all junk that comes through the best of days I missed it because I am either out or very busy thinking how to begin writing or watching telly. Today is a different day. Completely off the hook, I expected the letter and it arrived. Its the latest contract for re-enslavement modern speak term is known as the contract of employment. After a tremendously long time of skiving-off, its about time I do some work and become an important part of our society. I have to sign such document but have no intention to do. Its so hard, it is immensely difficult to do that considering here the time i have spent not doing much but skiving off in places and playing video games. I just can't believe how government let me immerse myself in non-toil, and idleness? I do wonder sometimes if people do make the right thing when they vote for useless government. They come in power with huge promises only to falter when it comes to making decisions. This time round might well be a self-pitying prophecy to declare that I have actually voted for the other lot - you know the ones that proclaim the end of the world if we don't clean up our country from the unknowns and that we will need to impose stricter conditions on our youth to stop breeding and creaming-off our system, our welfare system. At least I voted and no one needs to know for whom I voted for anyway. Anyhow, the contract - I have to sign it and send it. I can't make noises when I am totally idle and not feeling any self-worth at all. it isn't fair on me, its isn't fair on anyone really, well it depends on your perspective what do we mean by that. I have to try and play it fair first of all in the depths of my mind before I embark on a journey of compassionate talk or consideration of others. Isn't this the number one rule in this 'provisional' life? Without offending anybody who have tendencies to believe in any particular faith or religion. One day I got stopped by this so called 'believer' who was very keen to try and convince me that because of the particular way I wear my clothes I am condemned or the way he put it I am in the cusp of departing in the world of the devil. Yeah right! exactly I was stunned too. I mean him having the cheek to tell me that right. If it wasn't for the particular way of me wearing my clothes I probably would've whacked him. But, hey you have to do so with the rest of the world pretty quickly and efficiently. The intriguing thing with that statement of the so called 'believer' was that it actually convinced me to go home and look myself in the mirror and in a self-critiquing way begin to wonder if I am doing the right thing. Self-consciousness, as my friend put it the other day is a dangerous thing. It leads to framing the mind in such a way that you become sensitively attached to a particular monotonous idea of yourself. Such as you have to wear certain things for a certain situation or you can just envisage a future where everybody is angelic and embrace you and your love, your passions and understand inner you better than the ones who actually love you immensely and meaningfully. Now the time has come that I sign this contract spearheading me towards a different future, uncertain but sure to happen. *** 'Inner flexibility and the idea of living' its called, the book I am reading recently. One of the lines I read through goes like this 'You answer to universe, you know that thing that is above you, under your feet and on your left or your right, goes through you and is inside you. No one is in charge of you. Free-up your soul and seek avenge. Do the honourable thing, revolt, conquer your fears and set yourself one goal - that of being different from others'. I don't normally embark on these kind of journeys you know. The ones that entail a commitment to change. I am not cut out for that type of pain. Especially now, today when I am a much happier human being. I have a job and I can pay my way, I have become once again a responsible journey taker. I must admit though, I have become lazier over time. It isn't easy to have lot of dreams in your head but without the guts to see them through. I have decided to do things differently now. My friends think I am a bit mad because I don't tend to follow the line, or I fall through and sometimes it feels like falling through the cracks as damaged goods. No regrets, no regrets! only a lot of commotion takes over one's world. Past traumas can be overbearing and despicable in one's head. I read pages of pages of books and most of the time make no sense at all. I despise this preconceived reality with overbearing claws slotted through the vertebrae of my life, structure of my thinking has incalculably changed, transformed into a never-ending struggle of capture the right mood, pretend to be happy and morphing onto a total stranger within myself. I thought getting something new in life, challenging the precursor saddening notion of passivity to society was meant to be important for my own perception, for my self-esteem, but I don't understand why would I console and constantly keep on punishing ME!? Extraordinary different!